You Can Celebrate Your Self during the Holidays

Holidays, all kinds, are a time for celebration, right? All of us celebrate where we come from and use the holidays as an opportunity to see our families, get together with friends, and celebrate that we belong somewhere.

Celebrating families is a good thing…right?

Well, yes, if you have a good family to celebrate.

And what is a good family?

As a Somatic coach, I have worked with many clients who experience sadness over the holidays. I my Self have challenges with being “happy” at this time of year.

You’re supposed to be happy, right? It’s family time!

What if you don’t have a family? What if you’re married into a family that rejects you? What if you cannot be your Self, even in your own family?

During the holidays, many of my clients deal with feelings of loneliness, rejection, fear, anxiety, and depression. Several struggle extra hard with staying away from their addictive behaviors. They feel as though they need something to help them cope with all the triggers that these "gatherings" create.

Oh, there is Uncle___!! Oh, no, I have to talk to___! I need a drink, a hit, a smoke, or I’ll just shut down, or leave, or…get drunk!

What if you’re alone? What if you’re estranged from your family? That could almost be a blessing. What if you cannot show up as your Self? What if your family is so toxic that you have restrained them from seeing you?

What if…? There can be many reasons why we are uncomfortable during the holidays. Often, we have had experiences with some family members we do not want to see again.

How are you feeling when you’re thinking about getting together with your “loved ones” for the holidays? Who is really loving whom?

Many of my clients have had "a creepy uncle”, “a mean aunt”, "an inappropriate father”, “an overwhelming mother”, or have been dismissed, rejected, or blatantly told off by some drunk cousin. But, if you don’t show up for the gathering, you are the disrespectful one.

How can we heal all this pain?

We have to feel it to heal it!

We humans celebrate the winter solstice as a time of renewal and hope. For centuries we have been hoping for a new start. But…

We cannot enjoy a new start locked into our old perceptions.

Think about this:

“Perception and perspective, while separate, are entwined because they constantly influence each other in a circular way. Perceptions, the way you sense the world and interpret it, impact on your perspective, your point of view of said world, which again influences your perceptions.” *

As I mentioned in my last blog article, To Everything There Is a Season…Including Gratitude, Abraham-Hicks says: “You are perceptual beings with different vantage points and — it does not matter how much information is given — you cannot see beyond the vibrational limits of where you are standing. You cannot live or see or experience outside of your own individual beliefs.” **

Think about that!

“You cannot live or see or experience outside of your own individual beliefs.”

What this means is, if you have a story about your family and what “they have always done”, you will “perceive”, even predict, and anticipate those behaviors before they even happen.

That’s what the brain does.

The brain’s job is to keep us safe and alive. And that’s why we can feel uncomfortable just by thinking about having to go back to that place that feels so uncomfortable.

The brain is always scanning and looking for information that could mean a threat, either from the outside (people, places, situations) or the inside, signals from the body (anxiety, discomfort, internal triggers).

The brain will then use the body’s interoceptive skills and interpret that information to decide how to proceed. Based on old memories the brain will compare the new information, look for old triggers, and predict what will happen. Then it decides how to respond. Most of this happens in a nano-second underneath our consciousness.

So, for example, if “old Uncle Charlie”, the creepy one, will be there, we might just (with the brain’s help) predict a confrontation with him weeks in advance, and the closer we get to the event, the more anxiety we might feel.

We now have developed habits and patterns of protection and our ways of blocking the hurt (pain). When we are triggered, all these patterns kick in, and we feel as if we are back in past situations. So, Uncle Charlie is going to be a threat and affect how we behave around him.

But you still have to give Uncle Charlie a hug…right? Because that’s what the family expects! Respect, right?

Maybe respect for the family, but not for you.

I would like to call that Self-betrayal, as in when you stay in a relationship you know isn’t good for you, disregard your own needs and desires, or lie to yourself even when you know that what you’re doing is bad for you.

Self-betrayal can sometimes be traced all the way back to childhood where we have learned behaviors to please others to protect our Self.

So…how do we resolve these old patterns?

How do we develop enough courage not to hug Uncle Charlie?

We learn how to resolve the pain that triggers the behaviors that make us weak and scared — and the betrayal of our Self underneath those behaviors. We learn how to allow our true Self to emerge.

Many of us are guilty of Self-betrayal…without knowing that that’s what we’re doing. I would call that “emotional survival”.

And I want you to know –

You are forgiven for how you survived! And now, you can start living.

What does this have to do with the happy celebration of the holidays?

Well, what I hear from many of my clients is that they have to put a mask on and behave according to expectations so as not to “rock the boat” during the visits. Often, they struggle with old triggers and fears of certain people, so they are on edge and need their “addiction of choice” to be able to make it through.

I was guilty of this! Going to holiday celebrations and family reunions was an obligation. My brain reminded me of earlier experiences of being shunned. I felt triggers in my body of tension, pain, and anxiety. My interoception interpreted the information as danger and predicted that the same thing would happen again. I was full of anxiety and ready for rejection weeks before the event.

Then I learned about Somatic healing, and my life became easier to handle.

I learned to process my emotions and sensations before the event, during the event, even after the event, and the event became less threatening.

I learned that I am allowed to have a way to be…my Self.

That doesn’t necessarily mean I was accepted; I just stopped allowing my Self to be hurt by it.

With practice, you will become stronger in who you are and not negotiate your integrity.

You will not betray your Self to please others.

You will find the balance that works for you without having to go back to old behaviors or addictions. You might find you don’t need to avoid the event and miss out on the people you actually enjoy seeing.

It’s possible just to be with it, and allow the anxiety to come through. The sensations emerge like a wave; you can feel it coming on, and if you can stand it, let the sensations and emotions emerge. They will pass.

In the beginning, it can feel confusing and overwhelming, and often it’s better to learn (with the support of a trained practitioner) to be with your sensations. You will get to a place where you can notice the wave earlier and let it pass. It’s our resistance that makes it harder.

What used to feel like a tsunami can subside to a soft wave of discomfort, and then it’s gone! Forever!

Your Self will emerge, and you will find clarity in what you want, confidence in how to get there, and courage to be…You!

Then…because you have learned healthy boundaries, and how to be with your Self, you can go to these events as Your Self. And…without any guilt, fear, or shame, just say no to “Uncle Charlie”.

If you want to know more about the BEAM LiFE process and how it can help you find your Self, contact me on my website at www.evaangvert.com or email me at [email protected]

Sources for this article:
*From Chapter 30, “Perception and Perspective – The Subjective Writer”, Academic Writing Skills Copyright © 2021 by Patricia Williamson, licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License, except where otherwise noted.

**The quote is from the teachings of Abraham, as channeled by Esther Hicks, in the realm of spiritual and New Thought philosophies.