To Everything There Is a Season…Including Gratitude

According to AI, November represents a time for reflection and gratitude. Thanksgiving and Veterans’ Day initiate feelings of gratitude and can be motivators for reflecting on the year that has passed.

How was this year for you?

We are being told by “those who know” to be positive, to look at the bright side of things, to trust that God has your back, that whatever happened brought a gift, that if we learned something the event had value.

However…

Is that always true? Are we really grateful for all that happens to us?

What happened to you? What is still lingering in the background and controlling your feelings and moods? What is it that you haven’t resolved yet? What is it that holds you back from being grateful?

When we try to avoid our painful emotions, we end up being controlled by them.

Our decisions, our behaviors, and our thoughts are affected by our “shadow”, as Jung calls it, the feelings we do not want to acknowledge.

So, if November is the month of gratitude and reflection, some of us have to work hard to find anything to feel grateful for.

In 2022 I had real trouble finding anything to feel grateful for. My husband had died unexpectedly.

I was told that, to make my days easier to get through, I should write a gratitude list, things I was grateful for. Well, I didn’t feel grateful. “Well, make a list anyway.”

Are you not grateful to be alive? Not really, I don’t want to be here.
Are you not grateful for the sun? Well, I guess it’s that it shines!
Did you eat today? That’s ridiculous. Of course I ate today! Well, some people didn’t. Too bad for them. Whatever!

I could not create a mental, forced list of things I should be grateful for…being healthy, being able to walk, able to see; I always could…right? Well, some can’t! I don’t have time to think about them (or see the value of comparing my life with that of others less fortunate); what about me, my Self, Eva?

I had a “right” to be sad, moody, in pain, depressed, and lonely…my husband had died, for God’s sake. Nobody cares anyway.

After six months of this attitude, I hurt my back and then really had a reason to complain. Now, everything hurt, walking, sitting, lying down; I was in constant physical pain. More reasons to be miserable!

I just suffered, and cried, felt sorry for my Self, and found no reason to be alive.

I was told that pain is pain; however, suffering is optional.

I hated to hear that. I didn’t understand how that applied to me, As if it were my choice to feel the way I felt.

My husband was dead! My back was hurting.

You just don’t understand how hard it is for me to be me!

The only time I felt good and wanted to be alive was when giving a session in my Somatic work.

I was useful, helpful, caring…for someone else…other than me, my Self, Eva.

Being useful, helpful to others is one of the suggestions in the 12-step work; when I feel down, I should focus on helping someone else. lt sounds good, but, What about me!?

Helping someone else worked for the time of the Somatic session. Then, I was back to thinking about me.

Meanwhile, I had a home, food for the day, enough finances to be comfortable. Nothing to be grateful for…right? Just how it should be.

Because, I didn’t have what “they” had! My husband, my rock, my love and best friend. Compare and despair – anything that gave me a reason to stay stuck in "Functional Freeze".

According to Cathy Cassata, in an article titled, “Signs You’re Stuck in a ‘Functional Freeze’—And How to Get Out of It”, published by People Inc. on Health.com,

"'Functional freeze' is a defensive survival response often associated with feelings of panic. Symptoms of functional freeze include feeling numb, in a fog, tired, or withdrawn."

In 2022, was I stuck in functional freeze?

Was I a “prisoner of my intellect” (something Deepak Chopra talks about? I was thinking the same thoughts over and over again.

Was I stuck in a belief system that kept me spinning, feeling the same overwhelming confusion and fear every morning?

I was told that no one could get me out of this except my Self!

I had to stop looking for solutions outside my Self and go inward. I had to take responsibility for my condition and dig my Self out of this paralyzing hole of pain.

It felt like a rather deep hole. We were married for 33 years. My life was gone! My whole identity was gone! Who was I now? What did I want? How could I live…alone!

Poor me, poor me; pour me a drink. For someone in recovery, this is a slippery place to be. So, I got scared enough to get into action!

One of the quotes of Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, is:

“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”

I had to start acting my way into better thinking. Bob was not coming back. It was time to take responsibility.

I had Somatic sessions, physical therapy, and support from caring people. I spent hours in 12-step meetings talking about my hard life. I started to work out and got back into walking and swimming. And, guess what: I noticed less pain in my back, less deep sorrow, less “poor me”. Slowly, I started to thaw out of the frozenness.

I started to feel as if I were digging my Self out of the hole. With that comes the beginning of Self-esteem, Self-care, Self-acceptance…I started to feel as if I had a Self.

I began to get it.

No one was going to save me! If I wanted to feel better, I had to take responsibility for how I felt…every moment of the day.

Now, I’m back to meditating daily and practicing Self-awareness in the moment, watching for when I’m slipping toward the hole, and recognizing and resolving my attitude, my thoughts, and emotional pain…in the moment.

I’m starting to “see”, and feel less scared. I am less about “What do I do today?” and more about “How can I be today?”

What is working for me is Somatic awareness. It’s a wave: When I feel a sensation or emotion come up, I don’t think or dig into the past. I’m acknowledging the emotions and sensations and allowing whatever comes up to resolve without trying to put a story to it.

I just surrender to the process.

The process is helping me shift old beliefs about my Self, my life, and the reason for me being here.

It’s been three years now, and I can see what it means to take responsibility for your own happiness. I can choose to still slip into the hole, or choose to shift my attitude. At least I know I have a choice.

Abraham-Hicks says: “You are perceptual beings with different vantage points and—it does not matter how much information is given—you cannot see beyond the vibrational limits of where you are standing. You cannot live or see or experience outside of your own individual beliefs.”

I couldn’t see outside my own beliefs! Wow! It is an amazing experience when you wake up and see that you have believed made-up stories about your Self that come from past conditioning, your environment, and how people have treated you. I had believed a lie!

Are you believing a lie…about you?

Now, I’m starting to “come to”, to realize I can make it on my own. It’s not about things going my way. It’s about,

“No matter how things are going, I’ll be okay.”  I do not have what I want, but I have what I need.

The only way I stay in my suffering is when I give in to the negative thoughts of my mind, the conditioned part that says I shouldn’t feel contented without my husband. I should keep on missing my best friend, Bob. I do miss him, but it doesn’t overwhelm me anymore.

With Somatic awareness I have been able to resolve much of my past pain. I am not controlled by old memories anymore. I feel more in the present moment. I can be here, in the now, and feel so grateful to be alive, able to move, use my five senses, live where I live, feel the wind and sun, and taste the food.

When I reflect on the past three years and my life now, I can see some recovery. What happened?

For one thing, I’ve found the willingness to take responsibility for how I feel. However, the greater accomplishment is that, with Somatic awareness, in the moment, I am shifting my beliefs about my Self, my life, and my future. I have now shifted my perspective from what my life should look like, what I should have by now, to a wonderful feeling of it is what it is and I can do my best with what I have.

That has been the challenging part – acceptance. And with the acceptance for how my life is today, just for today, I can feel true gratitude for my life as it is and a sense of excitement and curiosity about what’s in front of me.

There is less space in my brain to think about me, my Self, Eva, and more space to think about you and your Self. How are you?

If you are interested in learning more about Somatic Awareness, or my BEAM LiFE program, contact me on my website at www.evaangvert.com or email me at [email protected]