Understanding Motherhood from a Somatic Perspective

It’s May. According to AI, May (named for the goddess Maia) represents renewal, growth, and fertility, acting as a bridge between spring and summer in the Northern Hemisphere.

May symbolizes new beginnings, prosperity, and the nurturing of nature, often highlighted by themes of joy and the flourishing of green life.

There is so much to celebrate!

I like the idea that the goddess Maia can be a patroness of those of us who are mothers. My wish is that we celebrate motherhood and all mothers – of all kinds!

Being a mother has been the most challenging experience and the most rewarding in my life…

...and also the experience that has brought me the most feelings of failure.

There is no manual, no guarantee that if you follow all the “directions” you’re given by all the parenting experts, your parenting will be considered “perfect”.

There is no way to know if you’re “doing it right”!

Depending on our own upbringing, we basically do what has been done to us and for us. Or, if that didn’t feel right, we try to do the absolute opposite of what was done to us or for us. Either way, we’re swimming in an ocean of suggestions, copying and comparing with others – all of this filtered through a lens of our own lived experience.

That’s a scary thought. No guarantees! We can do “everything right” according to “those who know” and still face a backlash of things we’ve done wrong.

So here it is…

It’s about perspectives and perceptions. Please follow me here.

Depending on our perspective (the lens, the context, our attitude and mental framework, in other words, experience and knowledge), we interpret our lived experience through our own created perspectives.

When we experience an event, a moment, we filter the moment through our perception, our immediate sensory input and our personal beliefs based on our perspective.

This gives us a subjective reality of what’s happening in the moment…all based on our perspective, our mental framework, our “right and wrong” attitude about life.

Now, depending on our perspective, we will judge our Self and others.

And, our in-the-moment behaviors are filtered through and affected by our perception which…then again…is based on our perspective lens.

Here is an example: When I was in early recovery, and in a situation that reminded me of an abusive experience from my past, I would be “triggered” to react. Back when my kids were two and three years old, I would be on a playground with them, just a regular day with other moms. Someone would show up on the playground who resembled a person who abused me in the past. Before I knew it, I would become stern and controlling with my girls, “Let’s go. We need to go home and eat!” I would end their play, regardless of what they wanted and leave the playground.

Why is this important?

We may look at our lives, our Self, our memories, and find so much “wrong”, again, based on our perspective.

Depending on the day and how we feel about our in-the-moment Self, we will behave based on our perception of our Self, drawn from memories filtered through the lens of our perspective. Our behavior in the present is, then, driven by our Somatic memories.

In other words,...

...we may not even know what happened in our past, but our body knows.

We may have thoughts and feelings about our Self based on events we do not even remember.

However, these Somatic memories are the blueprints we are basing our perspectives on.

I know…this is deep! However, please continue to stay with me.

Now, those of us who are willing to take a look at our past behaviors (now again, our perspective) may experience palpable mothers’ grief, guilt, and shame. However, when we start our healing journey, we realize that the way we have looked at our past has been skewed, because of our perspective of Self and our memories.

Often our healing journey starts with talk therapy, the memories of our brains, not our bodies. As a result, we get a map of our past and start understanding why we are the way we are.

My personal experience is that I talked about my past for 16 years and still felt crazy! It wasn’t until I was introduced to Somatic healing that I started to realize how my body had been storing these past experiences as physical memories (sensations stuck in the body).

We can talk about our pain for the rest of our lives without Somatically resolving much.

If we do not involve our Somatic, silenced body imprints in our healing journey, we are ignoring the very pain that drives our current behaviors.

Talk therapy has an important role in our recovery and can resolve much of our pain. For many of us, coupled with Somatic healing, it is a powerful way to find Ease and Comfort in our lives.

I have found Somatic healing the key to my recovery, and I believe it can be that for others.

Why do I believe this? Because I have found that it helps me shift my beliefs about my Self and realize how I had been conditioned to become who I was back then (that can be a blog article all on its own at a future date!).

As we are healing and learning about Self-care, Self-acceptance, and Self-love, we will be able to look at our Self from a different perspective. We can even become able to forgive our Self for not knowing.

When we know better, we do better.

As we grow in our healing experience, our perception (our in-the-moment interpretation of what’s happening) can become less reactive, less defensive, less Self-centered, and we can create a moment of pause before we respond.

This gives us more of a choice in how we want to show up in the world. And the magic is that, when we find that our behaviors are shifting, our perception of the moment we’re in is shifting, which (believe it or not) affects our perspective of our Self.

So, mothers out there, give your Self a break! We did the best we could!

This doesn’t excuse past bad behavior. However, with more Self-love and Self-acceptance, we can learn to behave differently now. And when we show up the way we now want to, we have the ability to become who we want to be. Another way to say this is:

Our healthier perception of what’s happening in the moment will help us behave the way we want to, and that will shift the perspective we have of our Self.

This is when I recommend a practice I call “Stop. Drop. Check….and Choose”.

It’s a way of Self-scanning that can help you be more Self-aware in the moment.

Here’s an abbreviated way of how the practice works:

1. Stop. Scan your environment. Ask your Self, “Am I safe?” Notice your lens: Identify if you are trapped in your own immediate, emotional reaction. (Perception [The Input/Internal]: Immediate sensory input + personal beliefs = subjective reality. It's limited to your immediate experience.) If the answer is “no”, remove your Self from the experience. If the answer is “yes”...
2. ...Drop. Let go of your breath and bring your attention into your body. Shift your focus from “What is going on outside of me?” to “What is going on inside of me?” 
3. Check. Ask your Self, “What am I feeling in my body now?” Keep all your attention on the sensations, and only on your sensations! If there is discomfort…let it be…do nothing, and feel the sensations shift.
4. Choose. Give your Self time and space to think and respond the way you want to.

This way of paying attention to your body in the moment gives you a full picture of what’s going on. When we can see and feel the full picture, we can change our understanding of our Self and our behavior in the present moment.

Then, and only then, are we conscious enough to change that behavior.

We can then build on a relationship with a new, fresher, more mature, healed perspective of our Self. And that, in it Self, will provide more opportunities for us to be the mothers we want to be. Then, we may even feeeeeeel like celebrating our motherhood.

If you’d like a simple way to practice this pause, you can download my free Stop. Drop. Check. audio and try it next time you feel yourself getting triggered. Click here to download.