Why I Capitalize the S in Self

Once upon a time, I had no Self-esteem, no Self-confidence, no Self-worth, no Self-love, no Self-compassion…No Self to speak of, really.

Oh, I did have some “Self”, alright, the negative kind – lots of Self-hatred, Self-doubt, Self-harm, and Self-loathing which, of course, created a very Self-centered me.

It makes sense now, that, after years of working on my Self, I want to initial-cap the “s” in “self”. God, how good it is to feel just a little Self-acceptance, Self-esteem, Self-worth, and a taste of Self-love!

Many of us are conditioned to think of others first and to ignore our Self and our own needs.

The moment we had our Self in mind, we were told that we were Self-ish, bad and wrong.

This conditioned response to life provides us with the bizarre opportunity to live a whole life without ever really knowing our Self or what we want.

Personally, that behavior has meant that I have spent my whole life trying to find out what others want from me, what they think I should do, say, be, to the degree that I have had no idea who I truly am.

I lived a life of pleasing, adjusting to, and focusing on others, mostly my husband and daughters.

Until tragedy happened. Then…when my husband passed and both my girls were living their own lives…I felt stuck with just my Self.

How about you? Do you know who you are? If so, congratulations! If not, maybe you can relate.

Yes, I’m a somatic coach, mother – I was a wife. (I refuse to use the word “widow”.) I am a single, 67-year-old woman who, for the first time, has seriously started looking for her Self.

It took for my husband to die before I thought of who I truly was as a person, what my identity was (is). I was Major Harren’s wife. Then, when visiting Bob at work, I was the CIO’s wife. After Bob retired, I was Ranger Bob’s wife.

And, for much of the same time I was Bob’s wife, I was also our daughters’ mom, running around doing the “mom-thing”. All the while, the little voice inside me was asking, “But…what about me, Eva?”

I had no intuitive, authentic, genuine voice that represented Eva, only fragments of a “wanna-be” looking into the future and hoping that one day I’d find her. Somewhere in the foggy consciousness of my mind I was feeling a void, a missing piece, a huge question.

who am I…really?

I was running around, pleasing, serving, taking care of, doing my due-diligence…and living in fear of being abandoned, left behind, rejected, and dismissed. My constant mantra was, “How can I become BETTER, so “they” will like me, love me, stay with me?”

I did get training to be a somatic coach and received a traditional bachelor’s degree. The true reason for this training and education was to learn how to become a better mom and wife. There seemed to be so much I didn’t know about those roles. I didn’t have a relationship with my mom…to learn how to be a mom.

Not only did I not know how to be a mom, I didn’t know how to be in the world. I had no social compass, no way of understanding why some people treated me poorly. In fact, I believed I deserved people’s mean behavior. I was told, “Well, Eva, you attract people who reflect how you feel on the inside.” – And – “We attract people into our world to teach us a lesson.” What I always wanted to know was this: What’s the lesson?

Do you ever feel that there is something you ”should” know, be, do; you just don’t know what it is? Have you thought of a way to find your answer?

As for my Self, I believe that, if there is a lesson for us to learn, as we live life on this earth, it is something like this, “We must find value in our Self…without having to seek other people’s permission to do so.”

And, now, there are these wonderful people – my girls and my friends – who treat me as if I do have value. It has been such a Self-affirming experience!

I have learned how important a phone call can be, to check in on someone. To let someone know that they are important, too. I have learned that I am not the only one who feels lonely, scared, and confused. Everyone can use a little help to believe in their Self-worth.

I heard recently that, just before he died, Pope Francis said this, “We are all born to help each other. No matter how difficult it is…Life is good when you are happy; but much better when others are happy because of you.” Ah, perhaps that is the lesson! Finding Self by being there for others.

What about you? Are you closer to “Know Thy Self”? Do you know what you want?

I heard an interview with Gabor Maté in which he was asked if, after so much healing, he now feels that he no longer has Attention Deficit Disorder. I’ll paraphrase his answer, “I still forget things, do things…That’s the cost of being me. So what!?” I love that answer!

What if…I am okay the way I am? What if I can be okay with my little quirks and say, “That’s the cost of being me. So what!?” What freedom!

Can you come to a place in your life where you audaciously accept who you are, and just say, “That’s the cost of being me! So what!?”

So here’s another of those lessons I am learning: Remember earlier when I said that people told me I was attracting others based on how I felt about my Self and that we attract people into our world to teach us a lesson? I now know the answer to my question back then (“What’s the lesson?”).

The lesson is this: Once I can find Self-acceptance and care for me (as in healthy Self-care), I have the capacity to care about others. The result is this: I begin to attract other caring people.

I have to take responsibility for how I feel, find clarity in what I want, confidence in what I do, and courage to Be…Me! Scary, but also, now, after some healing…exciting!

Maybe there is more than a little truth to what I was told “back then”, that we “attract people into our world to teach us a lesson.” I do feel so much better about my Self, and maybe that’s why the people around me treat me better.

I was told, “You will never gain more respect from others than the respect you have for your Self.” It looks as though I’m starting to respect my Self, like my Self, maybe even dare to Love my Self. My chest feels warmer; there is no grip on my throat, and my stomach is calm.

Ahh, I’m on my way…to finding Self. Self-awareness is an exciting journey; would you like to join me?

If you want to know more about the BEAM LIFE process and how it can helo you find your Self, contact me on my website at www.evaangvert.com or email me at [email protected]