Reading Can Be a Key to Body-Mind Health

Did you know that October is National Book Month?

What are you reading this month? Or…are you not reading?

Why is that?

Have you started (like me) listening to books instead of reading hard copy?

And, why is that?

I, my Self, thought I could listen to books while doing something else. That way, I could be more productive.

I could listen when driving and when exercising; I could even get the cooking done. I really felt as though I got something done while “reading”.

However, what I have discovered about my Self is that I do not remember what I “read” when I’m also doing other things.

I read an article on the site of Psychology Today by Jeff Comer, Psy.D., in which he asks the question,

“Does multitasking work?”

Here’s what he had to say:

“According to research and my personal and professional experience, the answer to this question is an overwhelming no! The human mind is not wired to multitask. It is evolutionarily scripted for mono-tasking.”

For me this means that, as I’m listening to the book and doing other things, I do not retain all of what I’m hearing, and I am also not fully present to what I am doing. In terms of body-awareness I am not truly present to my Self.

As Jeff Comer says, we are ”scripted for mono-tasking”.

Thinking of this, I can now see why I do not remember the books I “read”, or think I read – because “half my brain is somewhere else”. Looking back at my audible library and knowing how much I’ve “read”, I could not tell you all that’s in those “books”.

If I’m cooking and trying to listen to a book at the same time, I will get the meal done because it also requires my physical attention, but the voice reading the book can fade into the background.

To me this means that there is no way my brain can give 100 percent attention to both tasks at the same time.

Why do I listen to books?

I need to feel productive! Listening to books instead of sitting and reading them means I do more. When I can multitask, I can be more productive…right?

I was raised to believe that my value was attached to how much I got done. Sitting still and reading a book wasn’t productive. I had to do something! Still today, I can remember the feeling I had:
“It doesn’t feel as though I’m doing anything, and therefore I do not feel as if I have value.”

I have learned that feeling value, feeling that you matter, even feeling good about your Self is a Somatic and emotional experience.

We can be told that we have value, but this is more mental information that creates a “knowing”. I have to feeeeel it.

Here is where Somatic awareness becomes important and has been the most healing experience for me.
It started with Mom. She “gave me away” at 2 years of age to my grandmother. I was “in the way” of her being able to finish her studies, so I had to go – an acceptable reason at that time. Mom needed her education…right?

I have memories of waking up and crying for Mom, but she was gone. Instead, my grandmother (a stranger at the time) would answer. Mom came back, a year and a half later. And to this day, I have no memory of feeling good around her, or safe and wanted by her. These thoughts and feelings have been my basic understanding of my life: I’m no good, I’m not safe, and I’m not wanted…I will die!

I don’t remember that time in my life – but my body does.

I have been through deep Somatic sessions in which I end up at the same place inside. This place of panic and raw fear tenses up my body, and my skin gets too tight. My brain begins to look for a “way out”, and tears well up. No words, no images, no thoughts, just dark and scary.

These feelings and sensations have been with me for as long as I can remember. Until I started...

...healing through Somatic awareness sessions, I just didn’t know I could resolve these feelings and sensations.

What does this have to do with reading?

This Self-conscious fear of being abandoned has been the basic platform on which I have built my understanding of who I am: "I’m no good, alone, unprotected, unwanted, and unsafe. In other words, I will die".

If I do or don’t x, y, z…I will die. My body skips through all the thoughts and takes a shortcut to the end…”I will die.” Somatics calls this “overcoupling”. Overcoupling is a common “ingredient” in Post-Traumatic Stress Injury.

Consequently, to avoid being abandoned, I had to adjust my Self to be a person who would be allowed to stay – regardless of the price I had to pay.

I had to abandon my Self to become who I needed to be to have value…to survive.

I wonder how many of us have had to be like that – abandoning our Self for survival?

Still…what does this have to do with reading?

In the beginning of my recovery from drugs and alcohol, I was busy with kids, education, work, home, everything I did as a mom and wife. When I read to improve my work or in connection with my schooling, I could call that “being productive” because, after all, it would improve my professional skills.

However, reading for pleasure fits into the “non-productive” category that, according to my past, had no value.

There was always something I could do for the household instead of just sitting and "doing nothing".

To protect my value and not be abandoned, I could only “read for pleasure” while being productive in another way.

These thoughts have not always been conscious. As I was healing, it became more obvious that I had some old feelings that made it impossible for me…to just BE. And, to do one thing at a time was a waste when I could “get so much more done”.

To just drive in silence, cook in silence, work in the garden or even take a walk…in silence…was too lonely for me, too intensely quiet for me. I had to keep my brain busy with outside stimuli to feel as though I accomplished something, and to not feel that familiar discomfort.

When my brain couldn’t justify or rationalize my inactivity, I could feel a vague itch, a feeling under my skin of a flow of electricity.

It was like a current going through my body, accompanied by a vague feeling of fear and an anticipation that something bad was about to happen – I’m going to be hurt, “given away”, abandoned…again!

So, when I sit still trying to read for pleasure (meaning “doing nothing”), in my conditioned mind, I can feeeeeeel these feelings emerging. The solution used to be “DO something!”

It wasn’t until I started doing Somatic healing work that I could identify this discomfort as a conditioned reaction to the old feelings of fear.

Now, I can sit in the discomfort. I can process and resolve the feelings in the moment, sometimes even drop a tear. Then…I can sit and read!

So, here I am, being productive, writing my blog, thinking back to a time when it was even impossible to sit still and write.

Today, thanks to Somatic awareness, emotional resolution (EmRes), and meditation, I have become able to experience, release, and resolve these uncomfortable feelings.

I set aside a time of day when I sit and read. It’s quiet, I make a cup of tea, I light a candle, I sit for a minute to get comfortable, and then I read something I’m interested in, just for me!

The feelings of discomfort while reading are gone. I am not uncomfortable; I’m not feeling fear, and the electric current is neutralized, and – I’m not going to die.

I am at peace – feeling Ease and Comfort – when sitting and doing nothing – just BEING…me!

As I have done, so you can do!

If you want to know more about the BEAM LIFE process and how it can help you find your Self, contact me on my website at www.evaangvert.com or email me at [email protected]