Kindness as Self-Care

Back in the days when I was running on survival mode, to be kind, useful, or helpful to someone else was just not part of my consciousness.

If I could draw some attention to my “kindness”, make others like me more because I was a “good person”, then I might see a way of using that as an opportunity to gain popularity and friends. It meant safety to me.

This would then be part of survival.

The more people who liked me, the safer I could feel…

Someone would help me in need…right?

In other words,

My kindness had an ulterior motive.

It would help me gain value. If I had value, I was safe…er.

My brain was filled with thoughts about making it through the day. So if there weren’t anything in it for me that could make my life easier, I just didn’t see it as necessary.

My behaviors did not come from conscious thought. I didn't think, “Oh, I’m not going to help that person because I see no benefit for me.” I just didn’t see the person.

When I started my recovery journey, I was told to practice being “other-centered”. One of the practices was to do something kind for someone else without telling anybody about it. And…

Why would I want to do that? I just couldn’t see a good reason. I just couldn’t see.

If I were ever kind or thoughtful to anybody else, it was more by accident. They must have been around on a good day.

I was not a mean person, only so incredibly scared and confused about how to do life that I could only have my Self in mind. Self-centered and scared.

Not only was I Self-centered and scared…

I didn’t know I was!

My life was just so confusing that my brain was running on overtime just trying to figure out my next step. I had no plan, no knowledge, no support.

My nervous system was on high alert around the clock.

So, what has changed?

Slowly but surely, I started to wake up. I was a slow learner: 12-step work, therapy, recovery retreats, coaching training, and education showed me how to become “other-centered” and find interest in others, a genuine interest.

For me, as a survivor of childhood trauma and domestic violence,

Thinking of others became a trained behavior, something I had to remind my Self to do.

I had to think about it in the morning, look for an opportunity to be helpful, and then…not tell anyone!

There was nothing in it for me, not even praise from a therapist or friend. If I told someone about how helpful I had been, the action didn’t count.

Now, years later, I can honestly say that I do think of others in a more natural way.

Today, I see other people, and I see where I can be helpful.

It has become more a part of me. I don’t feel as though I am just surviving, and I have more bandwidth in my brain to see others. What a freedom!

Behaviors can function like a spiral. We can climb up the mountain or slide down; it’s our choice.

We can go further up the mountain and become a person we like, or spiral downward, retreat into old behavior, and continue experiencing anxiety, depression, and negative habits.

When our nervous system calms down, there is more bandwidth in our brain for thoughts of others – not in a co-dependent way, not in terms of survival, but in an honest way with awareness and concern about someone else.

Because we care…about another person.

What a concept! To care about someone else without any ulterior motive, no plan, nothing in it for us, just honest concern about another human being.

In the 12 step programs, step 10 teaches us about daily reflection and taking an inventory of our day and our behaviors. It also reminds us to see when we were wrong so that we can promptly admit it. This is a great practice if you want to recover and become a person you like.

I was taught that it’s not about doing things right; it’s about doing the right things. The other side of the coin is setting boundaries so as not to be used. There is a fine line between being helpful and turning into a people-pleaser.

A good idea is to look back at our day and take an inventory of what happened, how we responded, and if we were even conscious throughout the day. 

What could we have done better, and how do we respect our Self for doing the right thing?

We can create a safe balance by which we can practice Self-care so that we can have the energy and willingness to see what "right thing” we can do for others – and our Self.

I hear “Do for others what you would like to have done for yourself.” I don’t agree. I would like to say, “Do for others what they would like to have done for them.”

Depending on our personality, character, and “love language”, we appreciate different tasks, favors, and support. If I like X,Y,Z, and you like A,B,C, then if I give you what I would like, you would not get what you like.

What I have found useful is to ask, “How can I be supportive?”

The more I practice “other-centeredness”, the more I understand how good it feels for others to be asked and given a space to choose the support they want.

Then it’s up to me as to how I will respond.

There is a big difference between a demand and a request.

My ability to set boundaries and practice Self-care while I stay other-centered and helpful will then decide how far my support will reach.

Here is the trick:

The more I accept my Self, the more I accept others for who they are, and that acceptance calms down my nervous system.

The more my nervous system calms down, the more brain power I have to pay attention to how I behave and how I treat others. With practice,

I become more Self-aware and other-centered.

With this newly acquired awareness comes genuine kindness and concern for others. For me, the transition from transactional kindness to genuine kindness has been a matter of practice. Our kindness toward others teaches us kindness toward Self.

If you want to know more about the BEAM LiFE process and how it can help you find your Self, contact me on my website at www.evaangvert.com or email me at [email protected]