A New Beginning

So…we’re supposed to be excited, right? A new beginning, a new year. We set new goals. This new year will be “better”...right?

Does that mean that this past year wasn’t that good? What is a good year?

In my case, a good year includes health, friendships, time with loved ones, helping others, and lots of Self-care.

When we’re grieving, we tend to become quite Self-centered and miserable. It’s difficult to know what we’re doing. Is this grieving? Am I having fun now? Is this exciting? Why am I feeling flat? Am I depressed? Why am I crying now? When am I going to be done grieving? Am I ever going to stop missing___? Am I ever going to be able to move on?

All this unknown.

Is there any excitement after grief? Is there a life after grief? How many years before you feel okay with feeling good about your life and your Self?

Too many unknowns. Unknowns create feelings of fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

My answer has become, “I want to learn to live in the unknown.” Because you never really know…what will happen. Even if you’re not grieving. Even if you have a great life. That can change in a minute. It did for me.

And as long as we allow the fear of the future to create tension in us…or…we allow the past to create discomfort, or remorse in us (including maybe shame and guilt), we are really not living. We are existing and maybe functioning…but not living!

So…let’s live! Where do we start?

Regardless of what happened last year, let’s make a decision. We draw a line, step over it, and start thinking about what we want for the new year. What can we do to feel good about our Self and our lives?

Well, one thing I know. If we are willing to take responsibility for how we feel at any given time, we will feel more freedom. This means that regardless of how we feel, we will own up to the fact that we are the only one who can change it.

No one to blame. Ouch!

As I have heard it being said, “Blame makes you lame.”

WOW, that’s a big statement.

However…it is the truth. Regardless of how we feel…about anything…we are the only ones who can change the feelings. And when we are willing to own that, we are free! We are free to live our own lives.

Personally, I still have challenges with living with the fact that my husband is gone. I have days when It’s more difficult to feel motivated…about anything. Some of my clients have similar challenges, and also depression, anxiety, anger, and addictions. Often, our behaviors stem from feelings and sensations in our bodies.

When we feel uncomfortable, most of us would like to numb out the discomfort.

We do this with personalized combinations of internal and external methods. Internally, we can “shut down” the discomfort by ignoring it. This is called "dissociating". We can mentally disconnect from any feelings, thoughts, or memories that can bring up pain.

Disassociation and the attempts to ignore our sensations can last for a long time. However, the sensations will make themselves known one way or another. And, many chronic illnesses are connected with the emotional pain and childhood traumas that often are the cause of these uncomfortable sensations that we so desperately try to avoid.

Externally, we can consume something that helps us numb the pain -- drugs, food, cigarettes, whatever we choose. Or, we can do something that helps us forget that we are uncomfortable, such as exercising, shopping, reading, scrolling the internet, having sex, any “doing” that helps us forget how we feel.

I want to stay out of any argument that talks about the origin of addiction. I will address how addictions are born from our feelings and how our feelings affect our behaviors.

If I have a feeling of anxiety, I can choose to analyze the feeling, wondering why I feel like this. I can use my mental capacity to think I can find the root cause and spend the time to see if my diagnosis makes sense.

In my world, this analysis does not resolve the feelings of anxiety in the body. Because these feelings are physical sensations, and as long as we are trying to think them away, we are still controlled by them.

After years of talk therapy and mental exercises, I was still volatile in my behaviors. Then, I stumbled on Somatic Experiencing and learned about body-awareness. It changed my life. It gave me a sense of empowerment. I wasn’t powerless over my behaviors. I could change them. But how?

I learned to “Ride the Wave” of the sensations and feelings in my body…without reacting. What freedom!

When I could end the blaming game, take back my power, and take responsibility for how I felt…at any time…I was free!

With more education from Emotional Health Institute, which teaches Emotional Resolution (EmRes), I have been able to recognize my triggers in the moment and resolve them…for good!

Again…free!

I’m free to make my own decisions, free to find out what I want, free to plan and set goals. Free to recognize new possibilities. Free to see a year that can feel interesting and life-enhancing.

Regardless of the situation I’m in, I am empowered to feel the sensations in my body. When I am able to allow the sensations to pass through, like a wave, I have the power to choose my behaviors. In that moment I do not react, I respond…by choice.

And so can You! And that is freedom! Freedom can be invigorating and a little scary. We are 100 percent responsible for our choices with no one to blame.

I can choose to be stuck in the fear of being alone; I’ve been there for too long. Or, I can start learning how to live my day, recognizing fear, uncertainty, and doubt, and still have a good day…by choice.

If we allow fear to control our day, we are imprisoned in our own mental and emotional straitjacket. Consequently, our straitjacket is making our decisions, not us!

Then, how can we decide how to live this new year?

What's the situation? I can feel fear when I wake up, and it can sometimes linger throughout my day, like an electric current in my body. Sometimes the fear shows up as a shortening of breath, an uneasy stomach, a pressure in my chest, itchy skin, a weird sense of doom.

This is my solution! I Ride the Wave. I take a moment, sit down, and just give it space. No matter how uncomfortable and scary it is to do so, I sit with that, allow the sensations, and they will shift and resolve…and bring me back to a sense of freedom of mind and body. Because it's a wave, it will always pass.

This can take less than ten minutes!

The moment we acknowledge the sensations and emotional conditions, we have a better understanding about our attitude and behaviors, and the power of choice.

So how do we start our new year?

I believe we first need to know how we feel and find a secure platform to stand on before we make any decisions. Find your platform.

Personally, in the morning, I start writing my thoughts, my fears and everything in between. Self-care in the morning means some kind of physical movement. In my case, I had to commit to taking a class to get me out in the morning. Now, I love it!

Breakfast and meditation, and I'm ready for clients. I feel as though I have emptied out my own doubt-filled energy, and I’m ready to help someone else. In the afternoon I do something physical to keep my body energized.

I’ve done this for a while now. Most of the old pain has been resolved. Sometimes, I can feel triggered, and then I look at the situation, I pay attention to my sensations; I can feel sensations moving through, and I let them go.

At night, I reflect on the day, what I’ve accomplished, what needs to be adjusted, and how my actions support who I want to be. When I feel clear in my body, I can “see” more of how I want my life to look…and how I want it to feel. Then I make decisions about what to do next.

And this is what the BEAM process is all about: A combination of education, experiences, and practices to help you resolve the pain that has been running your decision-making process and the resulting behaviors. You can then find clarity to know what you want, confidence to create what you want, and courage to be…You!

If you are interested in learning more about the BEAM process, contact me on my website at www.evaangvert.com or email me at [email protected]