Finding Joy After Loss

You know the feeling after a storm –  the silence, the fresh air, the calm sense of “It’s over.”?

It’s over; the worst pain is over.

There is a crack in the overcast for the sun to shine through.
Ahhh! The warmth feels so good; there is a beam of light, a sense of hope, and you find you can breathe. There is a feeling of joy!

“Oops. Watch it! Don’t you dare…feel good! Your husband died.”

“That was THREE years ago!”
“Well…You should be ashamed of your Self, celebrating like that.”

“Celebrating!? I was enjoying not feeling bad. Actually, I even dared to feel good, allowing a little sensation of joy!”
“How dare you!” That voice is coming from somewhere.

What is it that makes us question our right to feel good, to be happy, or just to be done grieving?

Shame? Guilt? Is there a lack of Self-worth, lack of Self-esteem, lack of Self-love, or just a downright lack of Self!?

As Bashar would say,

“You do truly have a lot of lack. What you focus on expands.”

Ouch! So what do I do? What do I choose to focus on?

I want to feel better now! I’m done feeling bad.

That’s a great word, bad, a great umbrella term for all the negative sensations and emotions that can emerge daily. So, when someone asks, “How are you feeling?” the answer to cover the state of mind and body accurately is, “I feel bad.”

Maybe I’m addicted to feeling “bad”. Sinking into an old familiar feeling of “bad” or “being bad " takes less effort than actually working up to “feeling good”.

We should not have to work up to feeling good.

Feeling good is supposed to be a natural state of our body-mind.

We’re born…and after a moment, most babies feel good. They made it out – alive. They have taken that first breath of being alive. They are resting on Mom’s chest and feeling the Ease and Comfort of being loved.

Then life happens, and slowly some of us lose connection with our Self, our connection with Ease and Comfort. We develop our protective structures…against life’s challenges, and sometimes against life it Self.

We no longer live; we’ve resigned our Self to merely existing.

And then…

…someone we love dies. We go through the seven stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, acceptance and hope.

We try to do it “right”.

What stage am I in? Oh, so it’s okay to feel what I feel? Or…should I have already moved on?

We allow some theory or expert to decide if we’re processing at the right pace. To protect our Self from the ever-looming guilt and shame, we hope to do it “right”...right?

In my life right now, I think I’m pendulating somewhere between depression and the upward turn. The shock and denial stage is over; I know Bob is not coming back. I have been angry and tried to bargain with no success. I’m slipping through moments of depression…they will pass.

At one moment, life is just not fun, like a flat beer, no bubbles, nothing to smile about…that will pass.

Then, if I can remember my somatic practices,

I will allow all these sensations (good and bad) simply to be – with no resistance.

I’ll find my Self having a good day, sunshine, laughter, good people. Yes, the “You should be ashamed of your Self feeling good!” is back, but I’m getting used to not listening to it. I think the depression is over; I think I’m working through it. And then, maybe, another rainy day shows up and the flat beer is back…that will also pass.

Something is shifting. Whatever I’m doing in my day, I find my Self more capable of extending the sunbeams.

Why?

Because, with “100% responsibility” for my life, I ask my Self, “Is what I’m doing right now life-enhancing?” If the answer is “no”,

I need to shift.

We have a choice, regardless of how hard it may be.

We can choose what to think.

That’s a scary thought…that I might be responsible for what I think about. In fact, many times, I am not even aware that I’m thinking negatively.

It’s when I’m ready and realize that I do have a choice, that I can decide.

If you had told me three years ago, when Bob died, that I was responsible for my attitude, I would have been offended. I would have been in the early stages of grief (a process that is not smooth or ordered) and not able to hear you.

What happened? The first year I spent in shock, anger, and Self-pity. Then, I heard a number of times my advice to clients coming back to me. Slowly, I came back to a daily morning routine of free writing, meditation, and prayer. These practices work! They helped me create a space for more sunshine. And another thing:

Don’t forget to reach out to the people who care about you.

We learn that it’s time to move on.

Life becomes too uncomfortable when we realize that misery is a choice.

Yes, we can feel sad, but we still have to do laundry. Yes, we can feel overwhelmed, but we still need to pay our bills. Yes, life can feel impossible, but we still have to live.

A solid somatic, mind-body routine helps us start our day off on the right foot.

IF we choose the “responsible route” to developing more Self-awareness, it becomes truly clear that it’s time to take responsibility for our life and move on.

When we start wanting to move on, we will choose to follow the upward turn toward the latter stages of grief –

Acceptance and Hope. 

The path to Acceptance and Hope is individual.

If you relate to my grief story, I would love to help you work through your process. If you feel ready to move on, I am happy to show you how. Please contact me!