Grief as I See It

Life goes on, right?

My husband died unexpectedly. We were coming out of a yoga class (the way we had many times before), and he said, “I’m dizzy. I’m going to take a walk.” I answered, “Okay, I’ll get in the car and check my email.” That was our last conversation.

When he came back to the car, I asked, “How are you feeling?” He didn’t answer, and his head dropped to his chest. “BOB! BOB!” He still didn’t answer. I ran around to his side of the car and gave him mouth to mouth. He took two big breaths, and I thought I had him back. But he was gone.

And then what?

The first year is just a mess with things to do.

So many things to do. So, you do them, and you cry…you do and you cry…you do and you cry. You experience a strange form of panic. Had it not been for my daughter Maja organizing and making sure that things got done, nothing would have.

I guess you would call this stage “shock”. It’s almost as though Bob was on a long vacation, and I was expecting him back to help me (the way he always had). He was the one who got things done. Where was he? Thank God for Maja stepping into his role!

In the second year, it’s sinking in that he’s not coming back.

Now, I really know he’s gone…forever. Once that sinks in, a different kind of panic takes over. How do I live without him…without falling back into the addictions I was subject to when we met and married? How do I (can I) live without Bob, the rock?

Having had the experience of healing with the help of somatic coaching, I knew instinctively that I needed somatic sessions to get through it. My brain was on fire, and my thoughts were hot and burning me. I made many decisions as the result of an incoherent thought process. I know now that those decisions would have been different had my brain not been that overheated.

By now, I’ve had many somatic sessions, which have helped me rediscover the place of ease and comfort in my body. This reaffirms my belief in the importance of resolving old somatic triggers. When you learn to ride that wave of physical discomfort in your body, it will not overpower you; it will not paralyze you. I didn’t stay in bed. My daughter and I did get things done. And slowly, but surely, the fire in my brain went out.

Those of you who know me, know that Bob and I lost our firstborn child, our daughter Kristina, to death in 1990. At that time, I had no knowledge of or experience with body awareness. So, when Kristina died, it felt as though my skin was ripped off, and my whole body was on fire. That experience kept my body-mind constantly reactive for years. I was going to meetings and returning home to the same kitchen chair to cry…returning to the same physical pain, which never seemed to resolve. Bob took care of everything else – except my grief – supporting me the best he could, but I had no answer to a persistent question, “How can I feel better?”

It wasn’t until my first somatic session that I found a way to heal…

...to recognize the triggers and resolve them so that I was not paralyzed. The personal experience was so powerful, I became a somatic practitioner to help others.

My experience of Bob’s death has been different because of the role somatics plays in my life…because I understand the connection of my body-mind and how to use it to come back to the place of ease and comfort that helps me be my best me.

Yes, life goes on.

Would you like to know more about somatics and how it can help you heal from grief? If you have any questions about how that is possible, contact me!