What Is It That Holds Us Back?

What Is It That Holds Us Back?

yoann-boyer

Photo by Yoann Boyer

By Eva Angvert Harren, Core Coach and Educator

What is it that holds us back…truly?

Fear? Of what?

Personally, I hate feeling stupid, so of course, when I am put in a situation I do not understand, given directions I do not understand, and expected to “get it done!” I become defensive and find myself not giving the project my all.

I do understand that – get it done…but how?

I just told you!

I know! But my brain hurts, like the gear is stuck. I’m not processing the words that just came at me; they feel like darts, small prickly darts in my face, the shame.

It’s like with the coffee grinder: the beans are not coming through; it’s running on idle.

My brain is working feverishly to process; it’s just that the beans are not making it through. I hate my brain!

What is it you don’t understand?

Pretty much everything you just told me. (The shame is overwhelming!)

Like all the cars are moving and mine is still, even as I am stepping on the gas, more and more. 10,000 RPM later, the engine is hot, but my car is still. I cannot get the gear to “catch.” I hate my brain! It’s hot, foggy, and hurting. I hate being me.

Then I hear, “But you are so smart; how come you don’t get it?”

I DON’T KNOW!

I HATE not knowing. That’s what creates the fear – not knowing…how to be, what to do, how to do it, and how not to look stupid doing it.

So, I sit with it, allow it, feel the fear and discomfort, the shame from decades ago.

I feeeeeel the feelings of inadequacy, the tears from years of feeling stupid, and the heaviness from the hopeless feeling of “I will always be this stupid.”

I allow it all to bubble up, to take over my Self, to drown me.

And then…suddenly this calm comes over me.

 This is who you are; deal with it, find your brilliance, be authentic, and practice radical self-acceptance.

Radical Self-Acceptance it is!

I’m suddenly feeling better, I’m coming out of the gutter, I’m coming up for air, I’m feeling my gift, my purpose.

Ah, air! I’m here, in the moment, in the now, and everything is always okay in the now.

So, let’s stay in the now, and thrive in the now, and move through the barriers in the now, and…oh!

That’s how you do it? Got it! Oh…I GOT IT.

My goodness, I think my brain is catching, it’s in gear!

I realize that I understand, I am intelligent, and I have brilliance!

When the body calms down, the brain calms down, and the “grinder” can process the beans.

Result: A wonderful, strong delicious espresso!

I love my life. I can be…ME!

And you . . . can be YOU!

If you want to learn more about Eva and her coaching, contact us at www.BeamLifeCaoching.com

Gratitude for a Life Beyond Recovery

Gratitude for a Life Beyond Recovery

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Gratitude for a Life Beyond Recovery

We hear it all the time, we all have something to be grateful for. And at a times of pain and misery it may even feel nauseating to hear the word. . . gratitude.

Yes, I know, you’ve heard it before. However, let me share my take on it.

I have been challenged with physical pain for the last 4 months. This has truly motivated me to use a few self-observations (in-the-moment) and self-reflections (looking back) exercises to recognize my attitude. It’s amazing how fast I turn negative when in pain.

Feeling sorry for myself is very tempting, using my pain as an excuse to “not get things done” has been on my mind, and “seeing faults in others” has been in the forefront of my thought process.

Consequently, there has been a lingering fear that I was going to be a true bit#@ on our wonderful vacation. I feared my own negativity and I was scared I was going to ruin my family’s vacation due to the fact I was just hurting, all the time. How was I going to manage?

Gratitude shows up when I remembered to do the Stop.Drop.Check. exercise repeatedly until I truly could manage my attitude. I am so grateful for the exercises I was given in my coaching school years ago, and for the once I have to do now before my annual “refresher class.”

The questions I was assigned go like this: When do I flee from what is happening, and when do I deepening into what’s happening?

Through the self-observation, I have noticed that there is a craving, a strange desire to just “leave” the moment I feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I have an internal feeling of comfort, and when I am there, I feel as if I can do anything. However, the moment I feel any kind of threat (imagined or real) I “leave.”

I have become better at recognize the triggers and to “stay a little longer,” and that has made all the difference.

That’s where the magic lives, in the moment of awareness that “I want to leave, my whole body wants to leave, but I chose to stay!” Yes! What a freedom. That’s where gratitude lives in my world. And that’s where the “life beyond recovery” resides, in the here and now.

Even if it’s short lived, and I eventually leave for a moment, the time I’m staying is longer, sweeter, and more wonderful.

In relationships, staying and engaging is the absolute most wonderful feeling. To be fully connected to another person. When you dare to drop inside and stay, open your heart, and fully engage, the other person feels that and dare to open a little more themselves. The result is this wonderful emotional, somatic, and mental dance, a true joining at the core.

The vacation became a wonderful opportunity to connect with my husband and girls. I wasn’t perfect, but able to “own” my own behaviors and apologize when appropriate. I would dare to say we became closer than ever.

A life beyond recovery is raw, crisp, clear, open, honest, vulnerable, and wonderful. Try it!

I am so grateful that I am catching myself more often, and that I have the courage now to choose to “stay.”

If you are interested in learning more about getting unstuck from life-limiting habits or my BEAM LiFE program, connect with me on my website at:  www.evaangvert.com or email me at: Eva@BeamLifeCoaching.com.

Why Meditate?

Why Meditate?

Josh Adamski Israel

By Eva Angvert Harren

What is it about meditation that’s supposed to be beneficial? How does just sitting quietly help? Just sit there? And do what? Nothing?

To answer those questions, I have to tell you a story about a difficult time in my life.

I had picked up my three-year-old daughter and “put her to bed” – harshly. In that moment, a picture flashed through my mind: she had broken her neck – I broke her neck.

And that scary thought showed up again, “I’m going to kill my children.”

I dropped to the floor in yet another panic attack. My stomach cramped up, pressure was building in my chest, and my throat was closing up. I had to scream, but not here in front of the girls, “Wait, Eva, wait!”

I crawled out of the room, pushed a towel in my mouth, as far as I could, and then I let go. This awful sound came out of me, like a growl, a scary loud bear growl. Yet deep inside, I could sense the fear, the panic, the absolute hopelessness.

I could hear the little frightened bear cub that didn’t know how to live, that never learned how to live, that now was responsible for teaching her little cubs how to live.

She shouldn’t even have her own cubs. She is just a cub herself.

The next thought came, “Please, God, help me not to hurt my girls.”

That afternoon I stormed into my psychologist’s office, “Why haven’t you given me Prozac? Half the recovery community is on Prozac! I think I’m going to kill my children! I am out of control!”

Her answer woke me up, “If I give you Prozac, I give you an umbrella. You won’t feel the rain, but you won’t feel the sunshine either.”

“And when I stop the Prozac? I have still not figured out how to deal with the weather, have I?

“Nope!”

I was stuck! I had to figure out how to deal with my weather. Drug-free!

If it weren’t for my doctor, Rhonda Emmert, I would have been on a cocktail of drugs to this very day. However, I am not! I take supplements instead.

Because of her medical education and intuition, she has been successful in helping me “balance my chemistry”. She has been guiding me back to life, to a life without drugs.

However, I still had to learn how to stay with those horrid sensations in my body and allow them to dissolve. I was fortunate to discover Dr. Levine and his Somatic Experiencing (SE) Trauma Healing.

I took the training. It changed my life. Body-awareness changed my life!

For me…it was the missing piece.

I could now balance my chemistry with Rhonda’s support and also heal my nervous system with the help of SE. I started to feel better, calmer, more able to be in the world, with my girls, with my self.

For 20+ years I have been learning how to “deal with my internal weather” using Rhonda’s glandular therapy and Dr. Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing module in combination with training’s like Tipi Emotional Regulation Work and Touch Work.

I integrate all modules with…meditation.

I have found a way to be…with me! And you can too!

You can discover your own combination of helpful therapy and training and, perhaps, meditating – a combination that works for you. You can find a way of being that makes your life easier to live, possibly even enjoyable. You may even learn to thrive!

It’s all possible!

Something happens when you connect with your self. There is a feeling of “knowing” your self. A sense of wonder and possibilities. A sense of belonging to something greater.

You may not understand it, but if you can trust that you’ll be okay, no matter what, there is a calmness available that can create miracles. This calmness shows up when you get used to doing nothing.

When you get used to being with You, a weird kind of “opening” forms. As if you’re taking the lid off a pot and allowing more ingredients to be included.

Openness, as in non-resistance, allows more ideas, blending with what’s there, creating a new sense of “taste”, maybe even allowing new ideas to form.

This is what meditation can do for you.

And if you find “meditation” to be an annoying word, call it “visualization”, or “sitting practice”, or whatever word invites you to be quiet and still for a few minutes.

When you get used to meditating, you might want to spend more time just being, noticing the many possibilities that open up for you when you simply stay present.

Often, as we sit quietly, an internal discomfort shows up, something we hadn’t noticed before, a humming irritation, an itch, even a stomach ache, maybe a sense of heaviness or pressure in our chest. We start noticing our “weather”.

You might start seeing the thoughts that are stirred up by your “weather.” Those thoughts that occupy your consciousness. Those thoughts most often control your actions.

Our internal landscape, our internal “weather” is always changing, and we need to get used to it.

My sister has a saying, “There is never wrong weather; only the wrong clothes.”

When we learn how to be aware of our internal landscape without allowing our weather to control our behaviors…we are free!

If you are interested in learning more about getting unstuck from life-limiting habits or my BEAM LiFE program, connect with me on my website at:  www.evaangvert.com or email me at: Eva@BeamLifeCoaching.com.

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